The Dissolving of Engagement
All of my conversations recently sound like a social media scroll.
Me: “Did you hear about [10-character news title]?”
Friend: “No way. I angry face that.”
Me: “Right!? I agree with your frowny face which means I agree.”
This surface level interaction may be appropriate for social media, but this exchange wasn’t on Facebook. I’m characterizing the general flow and feeling of actual dialog with friends and family. I often have conversations that are nothing but waves of “Did you see?” and “Did you hear?” as though we’re vying for each other’s engagement in this information-filled world.
"I’m afraid my own definition of engagement has slipped; it’s no longer an emotional involvement, if I engage with you, that means you get nothing more than a base-level: “Like, love, care, ha ha, wow, or angry” response."
Hmm...engagement. Here are two definitions of engagement, see if you notice anything:
Emotional involvement or commitment (Merriam Webster, a dictionary)
Any action that someone takes on one of your post--likes, comments, shares, checking in, tagging (Hootsuite, Social Media Marketing & Management Dashboard Software)
Between the two, I’m afraid my own definition of engagement has slipped; it’s no longer an emotional involvement, if I engage with you, that means you get nothing more than a base-level: “Like, love, care, ha ha, wow, or angry” response.
“Did you hear that Steven has cancer?”
“Oh no, that’s sad.”
“I agree.”
Our muscle for connectivity may be atrophied, but fortunately, there are simple exercises to get it started again. In this post, I want to start by diagnosing the problem:
Go back to the last text you responded to. How did you respond? Give yourself a score.
No response...you’ll get to it later. = 0 points
Did you choose a gif, quick reaction, and one-word reaction (like a heart or exclamation point) to acknowledge that you saw the message? = 1 point
Did you write an individual response, one that would only work inside that conversation? ("They’re on the 3rd shelf in the middle room." or a Yes or no question). = 2 points
Did you write back in such an open-ended way that you are awaiting a thoughtful response ("I can tell something is bothering you. What’s going on?" or "Why do you think he said that?") = 3 points
Maybe the last message you responded to shouldn’t count--after all, your friend just shared a gif or puppies, that’s not the right time to open up a dialog about how puppies make you feel (the answer is “amazing” by the way).
Are you curious about the depth of a particular relationship? For example, how do you respond to your significant other, your mom, your own kids, your coworkers, etc.? Wherever you are in your walk of life, go back to the last 10 pieces of communication you shared with that person and give each of your messages a score using the 1-3 scale above. What's your total?
0-9: Might as well move the conversation to Facebook
10-24: You’re engaging with people most of the time.
25-30: Daaaang, you are an engager!
FINAL THOUGHT & HOMEWORK
I want to be perfectly clear, this is not some hard-hitting academic test that is determining the quality of your relationship. If your man scores in the 0-9 range, you don’t need to dump his cold. Likewise, if you’re in the 0-9 range, that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. Instead, regardless of where your score is, there is always something more you can learn.
So here's your homework. In those conversations where you want to truly engage, try interjecting one (or more) of the following phases.
I saw this and thought of you…[because]
Say their name...
I’m so glad you texted...[because]
These simple message "stems" acknowledge the other person, share appreciation for your communication, and then they leave the door open for deeper conversation.
Try it, and let me know how it goes. I'm excited to hear about your experience.