Ask Better Questions
Questions are how we engage with others, from surface-level small talk, “How was your weekend,” to deeper questions that have no forced answer: “...and how did that make you feel?”
In this post, I’m going to share a way to evaluate your questions, helping you recognize when the questions you’re asking don’t match the desired purpose.
When you talk with your friends, what is your purpose? Is it to catch up and find out what’s going on in their lives? Is it to share your frustrations and have a sympathetic ear? It is to discover new recipes and life hacks?
When you engage with your significant other, what is your purpose? Learn about his thoughts and feelings; understand her point of view; share your own thoughts and concerns?
When you engage with your kids, what is your purpose? Is it to know what they’re thinking? Is it to find out what they’ve been up to? Is it to gather intel on the juicy details of their private lives?
"...helping you recognize when the questions you’re asking don’t match the desired purpose."
I would bet that often your PURPOSE for communicating does NOT match the questions you’re asking. You want to know about your friend and her recent divorce, but you ask, “How was your weekend?” You want to connect more deeply with your spouse, but you ask, “Did you hear about the neighbor’s dog getting loose?” You want to get to know the inner workings of your child’s beautiful mind, but instead you ask, “Did you have fun?”
Let’s see if we can get your PURPOSE to match your questions.
Note: I want to present a model for questions that has been helpful for me. Please know that one category of questions is not BETTER than another, but they each have their own purpose.
Transactional
As the name implies, these are short, yes/no questions that serve to complete a transaction. A simple nod with a quick, "How you doing?" as you walk past a stranger, serves the purpose of greeting and acknowledging the other person. These questions are often forced by the situation.
Self-Serving
The term "self-serving" can easily muster a negative definition--synonymous with selfish, rude, or manipulative. Here, the term simply means exactly what is says, these are questions that serve you. You ask the waiter, "What would you recommend?" so that you can choose a good meal. These questions require a longer answer, so they are more than transactional, but they are still not questions you would ask to dive in deeper with another person.
Learn
You can ask a yes or no question with sincerity, truly wanting to learn more about the other person. These questions show up when getting to know someone or learning about an event in another's life. However, Learn questions are not the best questions when hoping to engage deeply with someone. As an example, many parents ask their child, "How was school today" hoping for a deep, meaningful conversation. But, because the question is closed, all they get is an equally-closed response: "good."
Engage
Now we've reached the questions that help you to engage and dive in deeper! Authentic, open-ended questions that allow the other person to respond thoughtfully. Too often, in conversation, we're simply waiting for our turn to talk. With an engaging question, you do not know what the other person will say, so you have to listen...you authentically want to listen!
Authentic, open-ended questions that allow the other person to respond thoughtfully.
Think about your previous communication and the types of questions you asked. Which quadrant do your questions fit in? Most importantly, does your PURPOSE match the types of questions you’re asking? When you wanted to dive in deeper with someone, did you ask, "Did you see that post of Facebook?"
To get you started, I'll put a few stems below that you can use to start and continue an engaging conversation. Use them wisely and with those you want to engage with.
STARTING THE CONVERSATION
What did you think about…
How did you feel about…
What kept you busy today?
CONTINUING THE CONVERSATION
What happened next…
What was your reaction?
Why do you think that was…
Here's to fostering the level of engagement you seek with the right questions. Let me know what you thought about the experience, so we can begin a conversation of our own!
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