Put Grandma on Your Zoom Call

THE SCENARIO:

You’ve been on a Zoom meeting for almost an hour--paying attention, taking notes, responding when necessary, etc. Your boss has just finished her portion and now it’s your turn to present. As the boss logs off, you’re made the new Meeting Host. Next, you share your screen and then begin your portion of the presentation.

However, you notice on the participant panel that three people are now clearly tuned out, checking their phones. They were engaged when the boss was talking, but now it’s a different story. You carry on, sure that they’ll tune back in, but now almost three (maybe four or five) minutes have gone by and they are all still deeply locked onto their phones.

Pause. Gut check. What are you thinking?

Who's paying attention?

Again, what are you thinking when the three people stare at their phone? If you’re like the majority of people, you ranged somewhere between anger and disappointment. Those irresponsible *BLEEPS*, on their phone in the middle of a meeting. Brown-nosers who pretended to be sooo engaged when the boss was on, and now “poof” suddenly their true colors are showing. Lazy incompetent, irresponsible... Whoa, whoa, whoa, tiger. Okay, maybe you did or didn’t go that dark. Maybe you put the blame on yourself, thinking that you were not interesting enough or a boring presenter.

Okay, let’s stop and breathe for a moment.

"Our thoughts are neither true nor false...they are just thoughts. However, our thoughts can drive our feelings and even our actions."

First question: do we have enough data? Our thoughts are neither true nor false...they are just thoughts. However, our thoughts can drive our feelings and even our actions. On the call, you feel ignored which leads to feelings of anger and frustration, and then suddenly, you lash out: “Excuse me, I’ll wait until your done on your phones before I continue.” Ooooh...you may get compliance and their eyeballs, but you will NOT have their engagement or respect.

Again, do we have enough data to conclude that these three people are irresponsible, or that you are not engaging? The quick answer is no, and I want you to do a short exercise to help prove this point.

Let’s imagine that one of those people on the Zoom meeting is some you love and cherish--and that someone loves and cherishes you back. This could be a significant other, your closest and best friend, or let's say your grandma.

With your sweet, loving grandma in mind, let's replay that same scenario and question. It’s your turn to speak and grandma is suddenly looking at her phone...for almost five minutes straight while you’re talking. What are all the possible reasons she is on the phone while you’re talking?

"Assuming is easy and is a quick reaction to our thoughts. Presuming takes work, and requires awareness and cognition."

Hopefully you had a little more positive intent in this second exercise, giving grandma the benefit of the doubt. Notice how in both scenarios--the one with the coworker and the second with grandma--you don’t have enough data to really draw a conclusion, but in the first scenario you ASSUMED the worst while in the second scenario, you PRESUMED positive intent.

Assuming is easy and is a quick reaction to our thoughts. Presuming takes work, and requires awareness and cognition. Here are two principles and strategies to help you presume positive intent when working with others.

GUIDING PRINCIPLE #1: BELIEVE IN THE CAPACITY OF OTHERS.

It is critical that you start with “what is the most likely, positive reason.” Do not skip this step. It is empathy. If you believe that others are good and capable beings, then you will be open to...

GUIDING PRINCIPLE #2: MAKE YOUR WORDS MATCH YOUR BELIEVE.

Believing they have the best intent and intentions, try some version of this phrase to help you react appropriately when the stakes are high:

“I believe that you [want/need]____. What needs to happen in order for _____?”

• Your friend is 30 minutes late to pick you up: "I know that our time together is valuable. What kept you from getting here on time?”

• Your 4-year-old procrastinates at bedtime: "It’s more fun to stay awake, right? What can we do to enjoy some time together while still getting ready for bed?"

• Your colleagues are on their phone during your Zoom: "You will definitely want to hear this part. Don’t let anything distract you."

I know you’re ready to go try the two guiding principles and the sentence stem, just remember to first ask yourself if you have enough data...are you assuming or presuming? And if it helps, pretend it's your loving Grandma on the Zoom call with you.